Dear · World

note: i woke up this morning (the day after writing this) and almost screamed when I realizes what I had done. So I'm going to erase par of this entry, and hope that no-one other than Melody saw what was originally written. Things that seen lke a good idea when you're really tired and its midnight really should not be done, because chances are they're REALLY BAD IDEAS!!!! The rest of this is original, just missing a few bits of honesty.

I know I just wrote, and I know it was long and meaningless, but please read this becasue this is where I say the important stuff.

For the past while I have had very little contact with anyone from school, or really anyone my age at all. I'm lonely, but being by myself has made me think. I really admire a lot of people, and they don't know it. Most of the people I care about dpn't really know it, andI think a lot of people feel the same way. Yet still, we are constantly complaining about each othe, and fighting, and never tellting people what rwe really mean. Or maybe I'm just imagining thinkgs, andI'm the only one like that. I don't know, but I do know that I'm tired of not being able to tell people what I really feel. I don't care what the reasons are, or why it might be better to just stay quiet, but I don't care right now. For reasons I can't really explin, I feel kind of betrayed by someone who I really care about, and even though it isn't his fault, I wish I could just scream at him for awhile. Instead, I'm going to try and just tell some of the truth, and I don't care If i regret it later, because I"m tired of hiding things.

PERSON X, the most frustrating person in the world, is causing my heart to be slowly ripped into several very jagged peices. Helping him along is PERSON Y, the one who doesn't use Livejournal or anything like it. I don't care if it's entirly my own fault that I don't know what I want, and am incapable of getting over things, it still hurts and I don't care if people think I'm crazy, but the fact that, I care about PERSON X more than ever, and I miss talking to PERSON Y more than I ever thought I could, means that I am sitting here angry and lonely and wishing I could forget about both of them for ever and ever! PERSON X loves someone else, and has for years, and I was a bitch to both of them, and I really don't want to have anything with either of them, but I do want to stop caring! I do want to stop caring that I am in inarticulate, insensitive bitch who can't say anything to any one, especially not people I realy care about (with a few exceptions) other than things that mean nothing,or have nothing to do with what I really do want to say.

So I guess I'm saying sorry, to both of those boys, and all the other ones I've treated terribly over the years. But please make meforget about you, or at least let me figure things out!And I don't care how much PERSON X would laugh if he read this, because then I'll have a reason to hate him and forget about him and I suppose that could possibly be a sort of closure... at least it will be better than what I have now... NOTHING!

I apologize to everyone who reads this soul-baring rant, but I'm tired of never saying anything when it matters.

So... I got my G1, finally.
I spent the last four days babysitting a five month old named Maude (the daughter of a director at Fourth Line). Last night was opening night for the second play, so I'm done babysitting, and tommorow I leave for ten days...

And now I'm back!!! I started writing this a while ago, and forgot about it, and nowI come back, after 11 days away from my beloved home, and this old thing comes up, so i decide to include it in my review of the latest portion of my life.

I went to my cousins wedding first, which as fun because even thogh it was a cash bar and the askd for id mt cousing bpought me drinks, and we hid from my parents while i was drinking. Then we went to my grandparents for a few days, and we rarly see them, so that was fun. Then we went to Manitoulin Island for four nights of camping, which was great because i absolutly loooove camping and last year our trip was so short it didn't coulnt and our other trip this year was also reall short (two nights!) and even though we wern't camping for all that long this time it seemed longer because of the other stuff we did. Afte we spent a night in Sudbury, and then last night was in North Bay with my mother's fathers cousin and family. it soulnds like fairly distant relatives I think, but even though I'd almost never met them, my mother new them all growin up because theire families were really close so it was neat to meet them all now that I'm old enough to remember for more than a week or two.Everyone was super firendly. My mother's father's cousing was great She's pretty old, but her and her husband (the most adorablye little British man who took us swimming and used to take my mom and her sibs ice0fishing and tubing and other stuff life that) travel to england pretty much every year. They are soooo friendly, I can't stress that enough. She (Thelma) is big and jolly, and drinks beer and makes cakes and lughs a lot. Bill (her husband) is kind of quiet, but was really sweet to everyone. Their sonlives across the street so him, his wife and his step-daughter (his wifes daughter) had dinner with us. Him (doug) and his wife (marnie?) are teachers (The former math, the latter english) and my sister and I spent the night at their place because there waswn't enought beds at Bill and Thelma's. This morning the suck-up-to-teachers part of me came out hard-core (I cannot bekeive i just wrote that)when i was talking to Marnie... we read all the same books and have a lot in common, despite the fact that she is a very (and i mean very) devout catholic.

well, thats some of what i've been doing. I'm babysitting again tommorow and friday, and i have some SMAC stuff to do, and some fourth line related things, and back to school related things, but somewhere in there i do want to start having a social life again, so hopefully i will see some of you before school starts. But till them, adeiu.

ps I hate comeing home to bad news! Even when it isn;t really all that bad, i suppose, just agravating, and te kind that makes my angry and sad and wanting to scream and yell and hurt someone! But I can't, so ill just stop now. It wasn't really bad, but it made me do something bad. ok, i'll stop now. goodnight! Sleep tight!

Have you ever thought about how much our relationships with other people depend on our imagination? We have conversations in our minds, imagining someone else's responses, and form so much of our opinions of said person, and our feelings towards them, based on things which have never really happened. Imaginary conversations often feel so satisfying; you can say everything you want to without blushing or sstuttering or destroying every known aspect of grammer, and the other participator says exactly what you want them to. It's easy, it's simple, and it makes you feel good. But it's not real. It's hard to say the important things in real life, with a real person standing there. You don't get to make up there responses, or make them ask the questions you need to answer. You will probably make mistakes, and say the wrong thing, and sound like a complete idiot, but at least it's real. And reality brings it's own satisfaction.